Dear Senator Blumenthal: Please do not send DMs to my four other Instagram accounts
Did you just follow my Instagram account? Good for you! I know you are very excited to send me direct messages on Instagram, but I need to let you know about how things work here. I must ask you to please direct all of your Instagram DMs to my private but well-curated account. It is also my account that has the most followers — 743, to be exact. It is beautiful and gets a decent amount of likes, and is my default account. I use filters, but only like at half strength on the sliding bar thing, so my pics still look natural but polished. Also, every single picture on this account has me in it. You should only send messages here. If you need to send me a DM, please be aware that I do not check my professional account, which I rarely update and is also very boring. The only people I follow on it are the professional accounts for people I went to grad school with, who also do not use their professional accounts. It has no aesthetic quality, it’s just tangentially relevant to my career, so I figured, “I guess I can put this on my website”. You should also take care to not send DMs to my finsta. (In case you aren’t familiar, the “finsta,” or “fake insta”, is a secret spam account where people post things they would never share on their real instagram accounts, or “rinstas”.) I also rarely check this one, but the grid on my finsta is mostly ugly selfies and captions complaining about the men who have ghosted me, so I only post on it when I’m upset about boys, and therefore almost never check my inbox. Can’t get ghosted if I’m not going on dates, am I right??? Similarly, I must ask that whatever you do, you refrain from sending me private messages to the Instagram account I run for my dog. He is very cute, but he cannot read, and thus he will never give you the reaction you are probably looking for. Finally, I beg of you, please DO NOT send DMs to my baking account. I check it often, but every time I do, I get hungry as hell.
